Why can’t we eat, sleep or fart (among others) on an airplane?

There is certain conduct you can and can’t get away with on an airplane. For instance, getting drunk is sometimes a really bad idea. This isn’t too hard of a fix though. You can always gulp back some water or even scarf down whatever kind of food the airline is planning on dishing out. That should sober you up! However, there is certain behaviour that doesn’t fly on an airplane (No pun intended). There are certain natural bodily functions that are not only frowned upon, but could be seriously inappropriate on an airplane.

Can you guess what they are?

Well, what about farting, vomiting, f*cking, eating natural food and sleeping? We just want to know the answers. When is it okay to do these 5 natural human things? Or is it never okay? We’ll touch upon this touchy subject in this article.

Why are these 5 natural human things inappropriate on an airplane?

 

These five things have earned their own stigmas in the popular human eye. It’s easy to argue that these 5 natural human things aren’t permitted anywhere but the privacy of your own home. But when you’re on a plane, you have no choice! There’s nowhere else to go. So, let’s investigate.

natural human things - farting on an airplane
PHOTO: New York Daily News

Can we fart freely?

Not a chance! Our farts must creep through the bars of the prison cell forged out of societal norms. Farting in public definitely goes against the grain of society. In essence, the thought of farting on an airplane is a daunting one. But seriously, what do you do when you really need to pass gas? It’s not like you have anywhere to go. Apparently, it’s good for your body to pass the gas with the change in cabin pressure – but is it really appropriate? In normal human society, not so much. But what can you do? Excuse yourself to the bathroom every time you feel the urge to cut the cheese? We’re guessing that your seat mate isn’t going to call you out on it, so just let ’em rip.

How to fix it: Sit on lots blankets and don’t move. Allow the blankets to act as a filter for your booty fumes. Also, keep a non-guilty grin on your face. Perhaps add one of those inconspicuous whistles we’ve seen in cartoons. They’ll never know it was you.

5 natural human things - vane airport magazine
PHOTO: Bitch Media

What about f*cking?

My shower is about the same size as an airplane bathroom and I’ve tried to have sex in there. It just really doesn’t work. I guess if you have a lot of time to work out the best position, it could work. But it’s probably not worth it, to be honest. Unless you and your partner are petite contortionists hell-bent on banging above the birds,  leave f*cking in the air to our winged friends. People talk about being in the “mile high club” but are they actually? It’s hard to believe that they’ve successfully had sex in there. Or at the very least, pleasurable sex.

How to fix it: Skip the bathroom bang sesh on the plane. Keep it PG. Gaze into your partner’s eyes and play footsies. When you land, the baggage claim takes a while for the bags to come out. This is your chance. Sprint to the nearest restroom (with your partner or that hottie in the next row) and get your post-flight freak on.

PHOTO: https://brunch.co.kr

But surely you can eat, right?

You might be surprised (just kidding, you won’t be) that eating is quite the difficult task on an airplane. Trying to determine if the so-called food is edible and  by the time you’ve decided to indulge yourself, everything is cold. And you should see the reaction you’ll get if you dare to ask the flight attendants to microwave the micro-meal for you. A lot of the times it’s just easier to pack your own snacks.

How to fix it: Pack your own flight food, but make sure you’ve got the smelly snacks under control. I say this for those around you. Please don’t pack a tuna or egg salad sandwich.

natural human things - vane airport
PHOTO: The Huffington Post

OK. So what about if you need to puke?

Your seat mates will not be so forgiving about this one. Sorry, but it’s true. They may overlook a fart into a stack of blankets but they’re definitely not going to forgive a mid-flight bag of barf. Remember that scene in Airplane! when she’s vomiting eggs? That might be the only acceptable way to throw up on a flight. But since that’s not really possible, just try not to spew your lunch on other people, okay?

How to fix it: Don’t get on the flight if you’re feeling sick. And jump off if you start to feel sick. No, we’re kidding. Just make sure you aim for the bag. Or race to the bathroom if you feel the chunks rising up your throat.

natural human things - vane airport magazine - sleeping on an airplane
PHOTO: Telegraph.co.uk

And after all that, you’ll need a good sleep, right?

Right. But you’d be wrong in thinking that you can actually get good sleep on an airplane. Neck cramps, people snoring, drool, babies crying, drunks. You name it, every airplane has it. Offputting sounds, smells, and sometimes, unfortunately, tastes, can make sleep hard to find on a plane. Sometimes you’ll wake up even worse off than if you never tried to chase your slumber. I’m not one to talk though – I fall asleep before the flight attendants even finish their safety speech.

How to fix it: Knock yourself out with some Gravol and pretend the whole thing never happened.

Melina Morry

Associate Editor of Vane Magazine who has a knack for travel style, a love for leopards and is always keen to pack a suitcase and fly to a different part of the world.

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